journey unfiltered: 2/23/22
11:22 am -home
hide from the world. can’t think. cant move. pain shatters my mind like shards of glass ripping though my skull. i press down on the pillow. i try to create pressure. i block out the light which is really gray. muscles tremble-in my hands, in my calves, in my cheeks. my stomach knots in pain, i double over, squeal in my morning yelp. the dog looks up.
I cannot escape the darkness.
12:33 pm
i think of all the things. the list of what i wanted to accomplish. the goals i wanted to achieve. i look at my animals surrounding me as protectors and i think how grateful i am that i made it through the last hour. i tell myself it will be ok. i tell myself that i will allow myself to rest so that i may be better and stronger for myself and others soon.
A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. – Elizabeth Wurtzel
time? what time is it? i don’t know, because i live in my own little bubble world. the confines and trappings of my mind are growing more complicated with each breath. i must rest my mind. i must rest my soul. i must forgive myself for being ill. this is my illness. forgive, forgive.
2:21pm (dining room)
sit before your work and center yourself. get quiet within. let the poison that pollutes your soul out. pour out the suffering onto the canvas and let your spirit go free.
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb. – Unknown
