THOUGHTS: Nothing

I am sitting underneath the fan in the tv room alone stretched out across the couch.

Even though the blinds are down, I can still see the rose colored glow of the sun setting in the sky.

For the most part the house is silent. While it’s not uncommon for me to be alone, right now there’s a unique hum from the fans throughout the house that makes me think of all those sleep apps that promote white noise. This is what they are selling. The strange soothing silence coupled with a subtle fragrant note of sandalwood in the air…breathing in seems to finally allow me an opportunity to focus.

I haven’t felt like I have been able to focus on anything with much success lately. While “being spacey” is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon for me, I have experienced an increase in the myriad of challenging physical issues that I grapple with recently, and it would make sense that I would be overwhelmed given the circumstances.

But I know the reason I’m distracted is because of my heart is broken.

It feels like my soul is slipping away each day from the heart break. Last week it felt as though my heart split wide open.

I have bleeding out ever since.

Many days it’s simply a struggle to hold on despite the physical and mental pain. Times like these, everything within me has grown weary just trying to keep myself alive. Focus feels like an indulgent impossibility.

Nonetheless, in this moment as the sun sinks behind the cluster of trees and the sky transitions into blue-gray dusk, I feel like I have a moment where I can actually quiet my mind.

In Buddhism, it it believed that the human exists in a cycle of suffering and rebirth. I sit with this thought as I listen to the fan in the quiet house and witness the evening turn into night. I breathe in and out. In and Out.

In and Out.

In and Out.

I focus on nothing.

It feels like my soul is slipping away each day from the heart break.