SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS: AFTER ASSAULT
after the assault
After sexual assault, it’s hard to know how to react. You may be physically hurt, emotionally drained, or unsure what to do next. You may be considering working with the criminal justice system, but are unsure of where to start. Learning more about what steps you can take following sexual violence can help ground you in a difficult time.
Recovering from Sexual Violence
Recovering from a sexual assault or abuse is a process, and that process looks different for everyone. It may take weeks, months, or years—there’s no timetable for healing. Below you’ll find some resources to help you navigate the process.
For Survivors
Therapy
If you decide to seek support from a therapist after sexual assault or abuse, you may have some questions. That’s perfectly normal. Working with a therapist can help you deal with some of the challenges you may be facing.
What is therapy?
Psychotherapy, more commonly referred to as “therapy,” is an open, non-judgmental space to work through problems or challenges. In therapy, you may learn new coping skills, ways to deal with your feelings, and strategies for managing stress. You can also explore thoughts that you might not say out loud to a friend or family member.
What should I consider if I’m looking for a therapist?
Experience with your issue. If you survived a trauma like sexual assault or abuse, it can be helpful to know that your therapist has experience working with your specific challenges. Ask about their experience working with survivors of sexual assault and how they’ve helped them overcome issues specific to this kind of trauma.
Personality. Success in therapy depends on creating an open, honest dialogue with your therapist. It’s often easier to open up when you “click” with your therapist’s personality and style. It’s okay to interview a few prospective therapists on the phone or have a couple of sessions before finding the right fit.
Type of therapy. There are different approaches, or theories, of psychotherapy that will influence how your sessions play out. Some forms of therapy involve more talking, while others involve more “homework” or exercises to practice after your session. Some therapists subscribe to a particular theory, while others may blend elements from multiple approaches. Learn about the different forms of psychotherapy from the American Psychological Association (APA) and National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
Who are therapists?
The term psychotherapist, or “therapist,” is an umbrella term for a mental health professional who is trained to help people who are dealing with challenges in their lives, including recovering from traumatic experiences. Therapists come from different educational backgrounds, including psychology, psychiatry, social work, or counseling, and are licensed to provide therapy services. The biggest difference among these professionals is the type and amount of training they have received. Read about the different types of mental health professionals at NAMI.
How do I find a therapist?
Call your insurance company to find out which therapy providers are covered by your insurance plan. Many insurance websites have a locator function to help find support near you.
Call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline at 1.800.662.HELP (4357) or search for a local treatment center using their locator tool.
If you are a student, you may have access to free services through your on-campus counseling center. Many of these resources do not require insurance.
Visit centers.rainn.org to find a local sexual assault service provider that can connect you with resources in your area that are prepared to helps survivors of sexual assault.
You can also find support from other local resources, such as a community center or faith-based organization.
A safe, confidential space
Generally, what you say to your therapist will remain private. Therapists know that in order to be comfortable sharing very personal information, you need trust that anything you share will stay between the two of you. There are a few exceptions to this rule to keep you and others safe. For instance, if a therapist believes that a patient has made a credible threat to hurt themselves or others, the therapist may notify a family member or law enforcement in order to keep everyone safe. Learn more about privacy rules and protections as they relate to mental health through the Department of Health and Human Services.
Talking about timelines
Some people are concerned that starting therapy means entering into a lifelong contract. That isn’t usually the case. While there is no timeline for recovering from sexual assault or abuse, you may be able to work with a therapist for a defined amount of time to help you find ways to heal from the experience.
Therapeutic treatments are designed to give you to tools to structure your life and interact with your environment in a healthy way that works for you. Some patients are ready to leave therapy after a few months. Other patients find a therapeutic relationship to be beneficial and want to continue counseling for a longer period of time. You can, and should, talk about timelines with your therapist. A flexible timeline can help you set goals for recovery and make it easier to track your progress.
When you’re ready to leave therapy, remember that the door doesn’t have to remain closed. You can always schedule a check-in appointment at a later time or resume therapy if you need it.
Changing therapists
You may decide at a certain point that your relationship with your therapist isn’t working out. Maybe you aren’t seeing the progress you had hoped, or maybe you feel that you just don’t “click.” For the sake of your own health and progress, do not abruptly stop attending sessions. Consider the following tips to help you through process of transitioning to new support.
First, write out your concerns. Then set them aside for a little while. Review this list later when you’ve had some time to think about it. It can be helpful to bring this list into a session with your current therapist to guide a conversation about your concerns.
Communicate with your therapist. Ask to reserve time at the end of the appointment to discuss your concerns. It can seem intimidating to tell a therapist you wish to leave. Remember that they are professionals. Most therapists will be able to give you a referral for another professional that might be better suited for your particular situation.
Get a second opinion. If you’re not sure that this current treatment is working out for you, you can seek the opinion of another professional. They may confirm your concerns or they could reaffirm that you are on the right track.
Be prepared to retell your story. A new therapist won’t know your personal history. You may have to retell parts of your life that you haven’t addressed explicitly in a while. You are entitled to ask for a copy of your records to share with your new therapist, but it’s likely that they will want to do their own assessment.
Safety Planning
For many people who have been affected by sexual assault, current and long-term safety can be an ongoing concern. Safety planning is about brainstorming ways to stay safe that may also help reduce the risk of future harm. It can include planning for a future crisis, considering your options, and making decisions about your next steps. Finding ways to stay and feel safer can be an important step towards healing, and these plans and actions should not increase the risk of being hurt.
Safety planning when someone is hurting you:
Become familiar with safe places. Learn more about safe places near you such as a local domestic violence shelter or a family member’s house. Learn the routes and commit them to memory. Find out more about sexual assault service providers in your area that can offer support.
Create a code word. It might be a code between you and your children that means “get out,” or with your support network that means “I need help.”
Keep computer safety in mind. If you think someone might be monitoring your computer use, consider regularly clearing your cache, history, and cookies. You could also use a different computer at a friend’s house or a public library.
Lean on a support network. Having someone you can reach out to for support can be an important part of staying safe and recovering. Find someone you trust who could respond to a crisis if you needed their help.
Prepare an excuse. Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times or for existing situations that might become dangerous. Have these on hand in case you need to get away quickly.
Stay safe at home. If the person hurting you is in your home, you can take steps to feel safer. Try hanging bells or a noise maker on your door to scare the person hurting you away, or sleep in public spaces like the living room. If possible, keep the doors inside your house locked or put something heavy in front of them. If you’re protecting yourself from someone who does not live with you, keep all the doors locked when you’re not using them, and install an outside lighting system with motion detectors. Change the locks if possible.
Safety planning when someone is stalking you:
Be prepared to reach out. If possible, keep your cell phone charged and have emergency contact numbers programmed ahead of time. You may want to save these contacts under a different name. Memorize a few numbers in case you don’t have cell phone access in the future.
Change your routine. Be aware of your daily routine and begin to alter it over time. Switch up the way you commute more often, taking different routes or different modes of transportation. Visit the Stalking Resource Center for more ways to stay safe.
Tell someone you trust. Stalking shouldn’t be kept a secret. Tell your loved ones, parents or other trusted adults, or the local police to determine if a report can be made.
Safety planning when leaving the person hurting you:
Make an escape bag. Pack a bag that includes all important papers and documents, such as your birth certificate, license, passport, social security card, bills, prescription drugs, and medical records. Include cash, keys, and credit cards. Hide the bag well. If it’s discovered, call it a “hurricane bag” or “fire bag.” If you are escaping with children, include their identifying information as well.
Plan a destination. If you’re not going to stay with someone you know, locate the nearest domestic violence shelter or homeless shelter.
Plan a route. Then plan a backup route. If you are driving, have a tank of gas filled at all times. If you rely on public transportation, know the routes departure times. Many public transportation systems have mobile apps that update their schedules and arrival times.
Prepare your support network. Keep your support network in the loop. Let them know how to respond if the perpetrator contacts them.
Important Safety Note: If the dangerous situation involves a partner, go to the police or a shelter first.
Telling Loved Ones About Sexual Assault
It can be hard to talk about an experience with sexual violence, and sometimes it may feel most daunting to bring it up with people you are closest to, such as family, friends, or a romantic partner. Whether you choose to tell others right away or years later, or prefer not to disclose is completely up to you. If you’re considering telling someone about what happened, below are a few questions you may want to ask yourself beforehand, tips to help prepare for the conversation, and ways to cope with unhelpful reactions if they occur.
Thinking about disclosing?
Telling someone that you’ve experienced sexual violence is 100% up to you. There is no one-size-fits-all that applies to survivors—each person’s story and healing journey are unique. There are many different reasons why survivors choose to disclose or not to. Remember, deciding to tell your story doesn’t have to mean sharing every detail—it’s your decision to tell as little or as much as you’re comfortable with.
How should I tell someone?
Talking about sexual assault is never easy, but if you do choose to tell someone about your experiences, it can be helpful to have a plan about how you would like to do it. Below are a few suggestions for what you might want to consider before disclosing to a loved one.
What. What you choose to share about your story is completely up to you. If the person you’re telling does not know how to respond and is trying to think of something to say to you, they may end up asking for details of what happened. Just because they asked doesn’t mean you have to tell them. You can always say, “I wanted to tell you that this happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any more details about it right now.”
Who. From what you know about the person you are planning to tell, do you think they will react in a supportive way? Have you heard them make unsupportive or judgemental remarks about sexual assault when it comes up in the news? Have they shared an experience they have had with sexual assault? Do they know the perpetrator, and if so, could this affect their reaction to your disclosure?
When. It will be best to have the full attention of the person you are disclosing to and also give them time to process what you’ve shared. If someone is about to go to sleep, leave the house, or is intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time to tell them.
Where. If you feel safe with the person you are disclosing to, then it will probably be best to choose a private place to tell them about what happened. However, if you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location would be safer and you could ask someone you trust to come with you.
How. The way you choose to tell someone is about what will make you most comfortable. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in the form of a letter. There are positive and negative aspects to each of these ways of telling someone, but it all comes down to what is right for you. For instance, if you are worried about being interrupted or being asked too many questions, writing a letter could be helpful.
No matter how you choose to tell someone, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first. You can say something like: “I’d like to tell you about something that’s hard for me to talk about and it would mean a lot to me if you would just listen and not ask any questions.”
Talking to a romantic partner about sexual assault
Talking to a romantic partner about sexual assault can be difficult—whether the assault happened recently or decades in the past, and whether you just started dating or have been together for many years.
Though you don’t ever have to tell a romantic partner about sexual assault, if you’re sexually intimate with them it can help both of you to understand what you are comfortable with and anything you might want to avoid because of your past experiences. If you feel strong emotions or flashbacks during sex, it could be helpful to tell your partner how you would like them to support you during these times.
Communicating with your partner about specific sexual activities or situations that make you uncomfortable doesn’t mean you have to tell them any details of what happened. If you’re unsure how to bring it up, you can try something like: “I am not ready to talk about it in too much detail, but I want to let you know that I don’t like to do ____ and prefer instead ____ because of something really difficult that happened to me in the past.”
Emotions of the person you disclose to
You deserve to be listened to and supported when you choose to tell your story. However, the reality is that sometimes the conversation will not go the way you hope. Even with the best intentions, someone may not know how to react.
It is common for loved ones of a survivor to experience a range of emotions when learning that someone they care about has experienced sexual violence. Some survivors feel that they end up providing a lot of emotional support to the person they disclose to, which may not be helpful in the healing process. Here are a few emotions the person you are speaking to may be feeling:
Anger. Many people you tell will feel anger toward the perpetrator and may express that they want to seek revenge on your behalf. This is a natural way to feel, but isn’t always helpful.
Confusion. Sometimes the person you tell will be so scared of saying the wrong thing, that they’ll stall for time by asking lots of questions about the assault and what led up to it. Often, these questions will make it sound like they’re blaming you for what happened, or suggesting that you could have avoided the attack by doing something different. If that’s how it’s coming across to you, let them know—and remind them that the best thing they can do to help is to just support you.
Fear. Loved ones may fear for your safety and feel extremely protective. While it is OK to want to help, being overly protective of a survivor of sexual violence can take away their feelings of control over their own decisions.
Frustration. Someone who cares about you may feel powerless to help. But healing is different for each survivor and may take a long time, and it is important for those supporting you to be patient.
Guilt. Someone close to you may feel guilty or responsible for what happened to you, even if they are not. They may be trying to think of how they could have prevented this from happening, but the fact is that the only person responsible for the sexual assault is the perpetrator.
Shock. It is natural to feel shocked and disturbed that someone they care about has experienced sexual violence, however sometimes this can come across as not believing the survivor's story.
Supportive and unsupportive reactions
Having someone react in a supportive way can be an important step toward healing and may help you feel comfortable sharing your story with more people. But even if disclosing goes well, it can still be an emotional experience—and that’s OK. Sometimes telling your story can bring back painful memories. This is natural. Remember, every survivor has a unique healing process.
Examples of supportive reactions to disclosing:
They listen to you in a non-judgemental way.
They show support by saying:
“I believe you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You are not alone.”
“I’m sorry this happened.”
“I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
It can be very hurtful when someone you trust reacts in an unsupportive way. If you don’t receive a supportive reaction, it’s important to remember that this is reflective of them and not of you.
Examples of unsupportive reactions to disclosing:
They doubt or question your story.
They ask what you were wearing or doing when the assault occurred, making you feel blamed or shamed.
They say you should have gotten over it by now.
Tips for dealing with unsupportive reactions
The person you have told may not be providing the support you need, but remember that you are not alone. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org (y en español rainn.org/es).
Self-Care After Trauma
Self care is about taking steps to feel healthy and comfortable. Whether it happened recently or years ago, self care can help you cope with the short- and long-term effects of a trauma like sexual assault.
Physical self-care
After a trauma, it’s important to keep your body healthy and strong. You may be healing from injuries or feeling emotionally drained. Good physical health can support you through this time. Think about a time when you felt physically healthy, and consider asking yourself the following questions:
How were you sleeping? Did you have a sleep ritual or nap pattern that made you feel more rested?
What types of food were you eating? What meals made you feel healthy and strong?
What types of exercise did you enjoy? Were there any particular activities that made you feel more energized?
Did you perform certain routines? Were there activities you did to start the day off right or wind down at the end of the day?
Emotional self care
Emotional self care means different things to different people. The key to emotional self care is being in tune with yourself. Think about a time when you felt balanced and grounded, and consider asking yourself the following questions:
What fun or leisure activities did you enjoy? Were there events or outings that you looked forward to?
Did you write down your thoughts in a journal or personal notebook?
Were meditation or relaxation activities a part of your regular schedule?
What inspirational words were you reading? Did you have a particular author or favorite website?
Who did you spend time with? Was there someone, or a group of people, that you felt safe and supported around?
Where did you spend your time? Was there a special place, maybe outdoors or at a friend’s house, where you felt comfortable and grounded?
