I’ve been reborn.

It feels like that anyway. I feel joyful, happy, free.

After struggling for quite some time with my health, and I had forgotten what it was like to be in remission.

Ar this moment, I am reminded of who I am. It feels good to finally feel like myself in my own skin. Admittedly, I have been shocked by how happy it makes me to simply get up in the morning and do whatever I need to do without worry, stress or effort. I often find myself wonderfully mystified by the simple beauty of closing my eyes at the end of the day and falling into a deep, restful sleep.

I’m grateful to be alive and present and aware.

The road here has been long and hard this past year. Existing within the shadows of a trauma induced mixed episode laced with crippling anxiety and severe physical pain that lasted for so long I couldn’t remember life before everything was drenched in a crippling gray, wore my physical body down through daily torture. The days and nights had no meaning. The insomnia was so intense it gave me what I refer to as “twilight brain,” twisting my thinking, warping my emotions and intensifying my senses. Your muscles are constantly aching in a unique combination of an incessant dull strain and intermittent dagger-like shocks that electrify your spine or leg causing you to yelp in agony. It’s a period of time where fatigue is quenched not by sleep but by emotional eating-that gross mass consumption of greasy burgers and fries followed by bags of chocolate and salty treats. During the darkness your best friend becomes big worthy television series that you watch in the blue black night as you beg your higher power to grant you one moment of peace.

But I’ve been reborn.

I wonder if this is the feeling that so many lost souls experience and eventually describe with religious connotations. For me, it’s a feeling of being lighter. It’s the ability to take a breath without feeling pain inside my body. It’s the ability to regulate my emotions and make decisions based on what I need in a calm, rational and effective manner. It’s feeling like I am connected to myself-my real, authentic self.